Relationships

Greetings.

You ever have a chick approach you at the bar for a brief conversation before weaseling in a blatant suggestion for you to buy her a drink? Well… This blog is all about that shit. If you’re one of the guys who buys strange women 1 ounce, tender shots of hope for box interaction, shame on you, player…but also, I salute you because you’re probably saving another man (with far more valor and finesse than you) the trouble.

comedy

If you happen to be one of these chicks who prey on these lames… Ha. Hoe.

Now, this is not at all about being cheap or frugal. It has nothing to do with chivalry. It’s about the principles. I’m not about to shell out my hard earned dinero for some petty ass conversation and neither should you. Fuck you sluts and your Pay-As-You-Go Boxes.

Pay-As-You-Go Bar Boxes are very similar to Pay-As-You-Go phone plans. There’s no commitment, their services aren’t that great and their features are hit & miss, but they do serve their purpose to those who need them. Boost Mobile box bitches.

Now, gentlemen, listen up.

The problem you ducks have is you live your nightlife like it’s the movies. “If I buy her a few drinks, she’ll surely come home with me.” Wrong, son. Like you’re not just as lame as the last shmuck you tried to court the broad you’re currently getting a Vodka Cranberry for.

I’m not the guy who pays for some floozy to wet her pallet for a moment of her attention. That’s lame shit. Dudes who got picked last in kickball do that.

So, when a panhandling tramp approaches you in an erotic, flirtatious fashion in hopes for you to fulfill her liquor request, what do you say to her?

No way ho-zay!

If a girl has to get down right dirty and blunt enough to ASK someone to purchase her beverage, she must forfeit her right to have Miss Independent on any iPod playlist. Oh, “she got her own” huh? Right. Her box will seep with depreciation from each beverage request.

And you ladies understand that if you ASK a man to purchase you a drink, he expects you to reimburse him with your vagina, right? You absolutely have no right to act shocked at the end of the night when this comes up during conversation. It is his now.

As a safeguard, fellas, I’ve created a waiver below that will cover the bases to ensure you get yours a great night.

I _____, hereby relinquish my box to _____ on the night of ____.
He humbly obliged to my drink requests, which consisted of ______,
(use more if necessary) _____, _______, ______, (if you need to use
this many blanks, it’s more than likely considered sexual assault at
this point) _____, _____.

x____________________

There you go. Another century’s long problem solved in a week’s time. Swag me out.

I’m out though. It’s almost November and I know you peach fuzz dummies are planning to embarrass yourselves with this No-Shave November event. Should have drank more milk as kids.

Be safe, stay great, and if you have iMessage, ladies send me your Apple ID’s so I know it’s real.

-SG

P.S. If a man is always complimenting you on your accessories and ensembles, it means one of two things: he is a fairy or he is trying to make you feel better because your box is a Lotus Flower Bomb of struggle.

Relationships